Regretfully, Yours Truly

Some things you should know about me.

I notice everything, even when you think I don’t.
I’m quiet like that, deeply introspective.
Maybe it means I care too much about you.

I care a lot more than you think.
I keep my thoughts to myself.
I’m rational like that.
I’ll never let you get the opportunity to call me crazy.
I learned that from my mom.
She was worried they’d take us away if she ever asked for help

I’m a lot more loving, ya know.
You might have to chip through a few layers,
but once you soak your feet in, I promise it’s all-encompassing
A little too hot.
A little too suffocating.

I cut people off.
It doesn’t mean I let go,
but you’ll definitely be gone.
I don’t think too much about it.
I know I just don’t want you around me anymore.

I wake up out of breath.
I choke on air.
The nightmares get so bad, I start feeling like I’m sleeping in hell
So I stay awake a lot,
a more passive form of insomnia, I guess.

I like to use my words to hurt,
‘cause I know that I can.
Watching grown men cry—
that was fun for me.

I’m constantly learning.
How to be a better person.
How to forgive.
How to stop questioning myself.

I’m constantly evolving.
You won’t remember this version of me in a year
Sometimes, I don’t remember versions of myself.
I get lost in the process.
I get lost in the thoughts.
I’m too caught up in trying to be something so different from my current self,
‘cause I think I’m trying to run from her.