Regretfully, Yours Truly

Tonight I am thinking about the fact that I stayed.

The very thought of all the love I would have never received or given starts an ache so big it can keep me up for days.

I have guides that have walked with my mother’s mother’s mother. And I’m sorry if that already makes this post too spiritual woo-woo for you—but it’s true. They are women who knew too much to speak freely. In their lifetimes, they channeled through love, motherhood, survival, and silence. So today and every day, I speak what they’ve swallowed.

They walk ahead of me now. Clearing paths.

God told me that.

Their curses have become my blessings, and they have been born again in me. They want motion. They want movement. For me to live life like they couldn’t.

If you look closely, you’ll notice how shadows tiptoe around me. Around my bones, guarded by too many names.

I move and trust based on instinct.
Instinct is knowledge in the blood.
Wisdom that’s only in my lineage.

She doesn’t write to be understood.
She writes because she already understands.
That’s what makes it feel holy.
A godsend.

I built a shrine in the dark.
And before I light the candles, I whisper my own name.