Regretfully, Yours Truly

There is always destiny around you
Around me
It’s fixed around our edges
In spaces we can’t reach
Every move you make is change
Every move you make is home

Everything you do matters

I’m outrunning a fate I haven’t made peace with
I’m still looking for things I’ve abandoned in past lives
Loves I don’t remember
And homes I left too soon
There’s a karmic echo in my heart
And sometimes I’m worried that if you stand too close you can hear it
In the beats
In the way it moves
It sounds a little too different to be everyone else’s

Grief, shame, and trauma all follow me
And maybe they follow you too
We’re both trying to move on, but we haven’t really arrived anywhere
We both don’t even know where we’re going
We both don’t know if we ever will

There is unfinished business in me
Making me fast-moving and reckless
And too slow on the draw in moments that matter

Maybe that’s initiation
Being broken open instead of broken down

In order to be carved into something exacting
You have to cut out the edges that make you cling to old pain

You know this too
You feel the demand
Some of us allow this to happen
Others sulk the pain away and become too numb to feel the wound they’re suppose to heal

The truth is
My heart is gasoline
And it’s started fires that burned for years
In it are a myriad of romantic movies and tell alls and experiences

In the ash sit things I know

I love blue mornings

I know pain gives you range
I know that patience is a trial
And that hope can have bite

We spend lifetimes trying to remember things we know we know
Maybe that’s what dreaming is for

I am haunted by the quiet echoes of doors that never reopened.
This is mournful energy, in its most naive sense
Meaning hope lived in those gaps, and that it still does
The gaps are where my love is
It’s where my heart still burns
It’s where the dreamland exists
I go there at night

Sometimes I wish I could stay